This week, I heard about a man whose cats are always named Fred. If his cat dies or runs away, the new one he gets to replace it is automatically called Fred. I like that guy’s style.
For a joke, I picked up a piece of clay about the size of half a chocolate bar and pretended to pop it in my mouth and chew it, while the neighbour’s little girl watched me intently.
“Hmmmm!” I said. “Is this mud ever good.”
“Do dat again,” she commanded. So I did. And a third time.
In horror, I watched as she reached to the ground, picked up a chunk of clay and actually started eating it. Mud trickled out of both sides of her mouth and down her chin. I quickly got her some water, told her to take a sip and spit it out. She took a big gulp and swallowed it. I tried a second time. She swallowed that. I sent her home, went in the house and locked the door.
During the recent heat wave, my long-haired cat Buddy stretched out for hours on the floor in front of the big fan I have going on high speed all the time. His fur blew straight out from his body and he looked like he was riding on the top of a 747 jet. Cool cat.
When I find something I like, they cancel it. Three of my favorite TV shows have gotten the axe in the last year. My little sports car has been discontinued. I haven’t heard my favourite Saturday night radio program in months.
“Boy, this is a great dance,” I said to a friend recently. A few minutes later, the band leader read an announcement: “The organizers of this dance regret to say this will be the last dance we’ll be holding.”
You know you’re about to have your ear bent when a stranger sits down beside you at the lunch counter, gives you a sideways glance, and asks: “How’s it goin’ there, Buddy?” My advice: eat up fast and call for your bill. This happened to me two weeks ago. A total stranger replayed, for my enjoyment, his experiences along every inch of the 100 miles of highway he’d just driven.
“So I meets this guy in the service-centre washroom,” he tells me. “The same guy that’s been tailgatin’ me for the last 20 miles. “Where’d you get your licence?” I says to him. “Out of a cereal box?” He says if I wouldn’t putt along like a senior citizen on a Sunday, maybe people wouldn’t drive so close. “Oh is that right?” I says. “Well who died and put you in charge of traffic control?” I says to him …”
Before I could get the waitress to take my money, I found out a few more things be says to him, he says, and what the other guy says back plus a few things the first fellow’s sister says when he got back to the car. Guess what I says to him as soon as I got my change?
A friend and I were walking along in a big mall. I looked down at a $2 bill on the floor. I picked up it up. He looked at me enviously, then saw another $2 bill. I saw another one. In all, I found $6 and he found $6. We went immediately to a burger place and spent it. You’d have thought we’d each won a million bucks.
The best names I ever heard given to pets belonged to the two kittens in a recording studio near here that were named Woofer and Tweeter.
Wondering whether or not you’re a yuppie? if you use any of the following words and phrases in your day-to-day conversation, you probably are: male bonding; stressed out; accessing; sending a strong message; impacting; dialoguing; fellowshipping, a quick read; a must see; have a happy.
Thankfully, works for me, do lunch and touch base are all on their way out.
If you are showing signs of yuppieness, a quick cure would be to spend a day at your uncle’s farm, baling bay.
Friday night, two young women walked stark naked past the variety store near my house.
Saturday night, same time, there were 20 young guys hanging around outside the variety store.
Least, that’s what I hear.
©1988 Jim Hagarty
