Now, this is your situation. You’re a judge, and your next defendant is Glen Lickers, police chief of a community near Brantford, who comes before you charged with impaired driving. One smirk, and you’re through.
You keep your cool this time but the stress has put your marriage on the rocks, so you phone up a noted therapist in Austin, Texas: “Hi there. This is Patricia Love speaking. How may I help you?”
You’re surrounded. It’s obvious.
Colleen Acres, spokeswoman for the Canadian Seed Growers’ Association, sends you a letter about the whys and wherefores of spring planting. Your clever entry in the Stephen Leacock Awards for Poetry contest is replied to by a Daphne Mainprize.
To forget your troubles, you sign up for a wine appreciation course at Conestoga College and find out your teacher is none other than Ron Sober. You decide to call him and you somehow get a Dr. G. A. Surgeoner of the University of Guelph on the line. You’re exasperated and you know, I can’t blame you.
The woman at the Michigan kennel where you leave your pooch on your way to Florida is Rhonda Setter. Worse yet, she looks Irish to you. Before you leave Canada, you get invited to attend a meeting in Guelph on ethical issues and the main speaker is Joan Toogood. You don’t go and then start wondering if she really was.
I agree. It’s getting sickening. You pick up the paper for a little diversion and see that George Gathercole, the former chairman of Ontario Hydro, has died. And there’s a cute little story about Bill Passingham, the 100-year-old motorist who recently passed his driver’s test. There’s an ad for a Holstein dispersal sale being held by Ron and Betty Dickerhoof.
You hear the music from the Twilight Zone playing and you wonder: “Is it them, or is it me?” Then you read about Stewart Ladyman, the B.C. school superintendent, who is upset because Grade 8 rugby students hired a stripper during an overnight school trip. You turn to the court news and there’s Jeffrey Flight, convicted of leaving the scene of an accident.
That’s it! You’ve had it. Turn the page and there’s an article about Idaho wildlife veterinarian Dave Hunter. Another about Brian Daly, lawyer for the Fort McMurray Today newspaper. Astronomist Jennifer Sunshine’s got a big blurb in there and you see that Ann Board’s been elected a member of the board of directors of Farmers’ Market Ontario.
Go to the phone, right now, and call the authorities. If you live in Ingersoll, however, you might want to take a pass when you find out you’ll have to speak to Mayor Jack Warden. Or is it Warden Jack Mayor?
Sooner or later, however, you’re just going to have to give it up as a bad mess. Sure, some people’s names bear some connection to what they do or are or claim to be. But these quirky names listed above are mere blips on the screen of nomenclature. (I looked it up. It sort of fits.)
Always remember this man’s name and you’ll be able to get the others out of your mind. Jack Hammer. A lawyer? A hotel owner? A politician?
No, my friend, Jack Hammer sells power tools.
There. I hope you feel better. If it starts to bother you again, give me a call.
See you around.
©1995 Jim Hagarty
