Ever since the day I found out that one of the main political promises of the Rhinoceros Party of Canada is to save energy by lowering the boiling point of water by two degrees, I knew my days as a political rolling stone had come to an end.
I had found a home.
It isn’t that I have any particular bone to pick with our nation’s mainstream parties because I don’t. It just seems to me they’re plain tired out from 121 years of thinking up ideas for ways to solve the many problems we Canadians have.
What we need in this country are fresh approaches devised by fresh minds and the minds of most Rhino Party members are so fresh you’d swear they were still alive.
In the 25 years since they were formed, the Rhinos have hit the nail on the head with many of their political planks. (Actually, they hit each other on the head with the planks first, then the nail.)
A look at the Rhinos’ platform shows that it’s much more than just a stage they’re going through. (In actual fact, they rent their platform and take it back after every public meeting.)
The Rhinoceros party is up front with Canadians. Until this year, their central advice to candidates has been: “If elected, take the money and run.” Since then, they’ve discovered that, if you’re elected, you don’t have to run so now their motto is: “Take the pay and stay.”
They resent being brushed off as a fringe party and refer to themselves instead as a fridge party.
The Rhinos are practical and down to earth in their plans. They promise, for example, to create national unity bulldozing down the Rocky Mountains. And to establish full diplomatic relations between Canada and Antarctica.
Although I’ve never been a political activist, I hope some day to be part of the Rhinoceros Party’s policy formulation council. Because I have a lot of innovative ideas for this country.
For example, I think the plan to build a bridge between mainland Canada and Prince Edward Island is shortsighted. Why not carry on the bridge all the way over to Europe with a pedestrian walkway on one side and a bicycle lane on the other?
To solve our day-care woes, I propose the naming of a federal Minister of Babysitting and sending all the kids to his place. In fact, day-care problems could be permanently eliminated through a ban on physical contact between males and females.
And we should go ahead with free trade but insist the Americans send us two boxtops or a reasonable facsimile for every free gift they order from us.
I think it’s time to end aid to farmers. Why can’t they just get their food at the store like all the rest of us?
And we should send out government pamphlets to the country’s illiterate population, explaining what they can do to solve their problem.
Speaking of cutbacks, by eliminating taxes, we could cut back on the number of things that are certain in this world and as for dying, we could all avoid that simply by staying up all night.
Poverty would be ended if every Canadian was paid in lottery tickets instead of dollars.
Senate reform doesn’t need to be the big deal it’s become. Why don’t we just name every Canadian citizen a senator and at least that way, we’d all be taken care of for life?
I say, let the Rhinos take charge. Because if there’s one thing Rhinos do well it’s charge.
©1988 Jim Hagarty
