Now that Canada has its own 24-hour-a-day all-news channel, news junkies country-wide can keep extremely well informed on the events and the issues of the day.
But amidst all that non-stop talk, talk, talk on the CBC’s new cable channel, Newsworld, a lot of non-vital information is being spewed out onto the air waves along with those bits that truly can be called important. Especially during some of the long, long interviews with people who are marginally noteworthy at best. But because it’s all presented with the flashy accompaniment of a lot of bells and whistles and lights and because the interviewers look so serious, it all seems significant, somehow.
“Does the fact that your right leg is longer than your left leg cause you any worry when you consider taking on some of these bigger climbs?” a serious-looking “journalist” quizzes the first New Zealander to ever scale Mount Everest.
The mountain climber’s jaw drops open at the total irrelevance of the question to the story but before he can protest, the concerned, worried face of a human limb pathologist from the research department at the University of Idaho appears in a little box next to the little box containing the startled face of the mountaineer and he begins his analysis: “Well, Bruce, though variable-limbed humans will generally deny that they feel any insecurity about their abilities to perform difficult climbing tasks, our research shows they do, in fact, worry a great deal about their capacity to measure up, so to speak, to the majority of us who are identical-limbed. This leads them to try to overachieve by attempting such feats as mountain climbing, disco dancing and skateboarding, to name but a few.”
“But, Dr. Fullovit, is it not possible some variable-limbed people just enjoy the challenge?” asks Bruce.
“I’m afraid not,” replies Fullovit. “It would be extremely rare to find a person of varying limb lengths who is not subconsciously trying to compensate for the variance in some way.”
“But, I just like mountain climbing,” interjects the New Zealander, pathetically trying to get back into the interview.
Another little box appears below him showing within its borders the scowling face of a woman who turns out to be head of a group formed to monitor media stereotypes of the variable-limbed.
“I think it’s an outrage that a so-called specialist like Dr. Fullovit would come on your program and suggest leg length has anything to do, with mountain-climbing achievements,” barks Ms. Malcon-Tent. “It is time society realized variable-limbed human beings are every bit as able as identical-limbed people.”
Before long, Fullovit and Malcon-Tent are fightin’ it out in public like a brother and sister over a last cookie while the mountaineer looks like he just wet his pants from embarrassment. And interviewer Bruce watches the proceedings like St. Peter countin’ up the sins on Judgment Day.
The only idiots in the whole farce, however, are us, who sit and watch all this as if any of it mattered.
It doesn’t matter.
Back to the hockey game.
©1989 Jim Hagarty
